A change has occurred in our solar system, dear Leo - a shift that will probably be imperceptible, but is nonetheless profound. You have seven months to understand how this change impacts you. It will dawn upon you that you feel a strong need for liberation; perhaps you need to release yourself from the bonds of your group. Innovation is in the air!
2/8/2009 10:58 AM
I have been contemplating the question you put forth...my story. What is my story, how much do you really want to hear? How much do I want to tell? Do I really even have a story?
Sometimes thinking about this brings back memories, feelings that I somehow forgot I had. Memories, feelings perhaps I pushed down unconsciously. Buried and put to rest. A mass grave of thoughts, occurrences, and experiences bulldozed over like the bodies of some religious holocaust. How do you bury your past, how do you hide your humility?
This is the darkness that we try so hard to keep our precious white washed mind from visiting, in hopes of never having to feel again. Never do we want to feel the pain of loss, of hurt, of betrayal, of falling in love. Or maybe it’s just me.
Maybe I pushed down the good stuff, the sunny days, the clean smells. I don't recall the hand holding, the kissing the lovemaking. I wonder if I will remember being at one with whomever I loved, will I relive that moment of not knowing where my lovers love began, and I end. Will I know this memory, or will it only be played like a silent film in some dark theater in the back of my dark silent soul. Maybe I wallow in, wash myself in my pain, my past. I think I relive it more than I should, more than anyone should. What could I have done better, what could I have changed, saved. What should I have said? Should I have held on a little longer, a little closer? Should I have loved more, loved less...
I was naïve and frankly believe my self to still be quite the same. I believed in love. I guess now I reserve it for the young. The handholding the lovemaking belongs to them now. The sunny days and the thought that this will be, this will last, forever. This is theirs, these precious naiveties are theirs. Lest we forget, forever is a long time.
They, I pray, are strong enough for the power of their convictions, their heart. That they look both ways before crossing and wear their personal flotation devises. As the heart is a powerful force, and should not be handled with fumbling hands, but held as if it were gods own soul. These things I know as I have been crushed, trodden and thrashed by my own. I took its power, its loveliness, its frailty for granted.
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